The peanut butter in Reese’s cups has the taste and texture of like a vitamin enriched paste you squeeze from a tube directly into your mouth when you’ve been living in a bunker for 30 years bc aliens invaded and it’s your birthday treat. I say this with love
When I was little I wanted to be Italian REALLT badly bc I loved the movie cars and specifically had a crush on this fucking THING
Which doesn’t speak English at all, all it’s line are in Italian and it’s name is GUIDO. And everyone knew I was obsessed with Italy in elementary school but they didn’t know why bc I, even as a young autistic child, had the sense to know this was a rightfully so, highly mockable thing. So I would read about cars on IMDB and then one day someone posted a crackfic on the message boards there and it was about this guy getting drunk and beating his wife, and it snapped me out of my fugue long enough to realize how absurd wanting to be Italian was, but then it made me cry really hard and my parents were like ‘hey what the fuck’ and I didn’t have the chutzpah to admit anything so I told them I saw a naked lady online and then they went into the computer and found all the weird south park midi songs I downloaded on lime wire and I thought they were literally going to kill me for about two weeks.
The reason I was downloading South Park episodes and songs on limewire and frostwire was because I was also obsessed with Kenny McCormick and for school we had to make a shitty little website about a world issue, so I found this free platform that doesn’t exist anymore but it was like a horrible little wix site from the mid aughts, and we based my groups theme on global warming. But when we were done with it I repurposed it as a perosnal site and lied about being a voluptuous blonde 19 year old woman who worked at a fictitious restaurant called the lunchbox, and I just wrote about how obsessed I was with Kenny McCormick and my sister found it and was like what the fuck is wrong with you. But she never told my parents. She also found this 80 page story I was writing about buddy the elf and all my weird skater ocs breaking into the moulin rouge, and at one point I was sick of buddy so I had a herd of buffalo trample him in the middle of a city and it was very tragic but jarring and unexpected. And she referenced a part of the story to me and it made me SO fucking paranoid that I wiped our entire, family shared packard bell computer and got in huge fucking trouble for it.
theres a hole in the wall in my brothers’ room because they were fighting (for fun not anger) in there once and one of them knocked the other into the wall so hard his head made that hole, so they put two small skeletons in there for decoration
they tapped up the “décor” sign up because according to them the skeleton is named
décor
and the one underneath him is his husband. also worth noting that they found 2 dollars in there the other day
protestants: god is not an absent father! talk to god like a friend! god is always with you! bring your problems to god, no matter how small! it’s not at all weird to call god “daddy!”
catholics: god is far too important to give a fuck about your lost keys or your algebra exam. please address your petty concerns to one of god’s ten thousand holy secretaries. if it’s really important, consider asking his mom.
catholics can’t get in touch with god because he’s always on the phone with a protestant
postcards say IM HERE. IM HERE AND I LOVE YOU. IN THIS SPACE AND TIME AND WHEREVER AND WHENEVER YOU ARE. THERE IS A SPACE BETWEEN THOSE SPACES THAT CONNECTS US AND ITS FULL OF LOVE. I’LL MEET YOU THERE.
